Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsiv e, press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you have taken hallucinogenic drugs press the glowing octopus
If you are manic – depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you
press. Nobody will answer.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep.
Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are
far too busy to talk to you.
> Read um and weep!